Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
 John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
 Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
 John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
 The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
 Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
 Both wives lost children while in the White House.
 Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
 Both Presidents were shot in the head.
 Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
 Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
 Both were assassinated by Southerners.
 Both were succeeded by Southerners.
 Both successors were named Johnson.
 Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
 Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
 John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
 Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
 Both assassins were known by their three names.
 Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
 Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Kennedy."
 Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln."
 Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
 Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
 Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
 And here's the kicker....
 A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
 A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
 
 

YET ANOTHER  LAWYER JOKE

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during 
 a felony trial - it went like this: 

 Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? 
 A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. 

 Q. Officer, who provided this description? 
 A. The officer who responded to the scene. 

 Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- 
 called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? 
 A. Yes sir, with my life. 

 Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you 
 have a locker room in the police station - a room where you 
 change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? 
 A. Yes sir, we do. 

 Q. And do you have a locker in that room? 
 A. Yes sir, I do. 

 Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? 
 A. Yes sir. 
 Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers  with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker  in a room you share with those same officers? 
 A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,  and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. 

A RAT'S TAIL?

Little Johnny walked into his dad'
s bedroom one day only to catch him
     sitting on the side of his bed sliding 
a condom onto his manliness in
     preparation for sex with his wife.
bent over as if to look under the
bed.
     Little Johnny asked curiously 
"What ya doin dad?"
     His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the 
bed."
     Little Johnny replied "What ya
gonna do, fuck him?
 

ZEN R US

Your daily moment of Zen:
 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk    ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either;  just leave me the $#### alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a  broken fan belt or a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're  going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the  time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both  feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
 10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
 11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
 That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away  and you have their shoes.
 12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
21. The quickest way to double your money is to  fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
 23. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
24. Duct tape is like The Force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
 25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

I'M BEING PAID TO SURF THE WEB & TO GO OUT ON DATES!

Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs. 

He thinks to himself 'How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?' After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. 

Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual medical condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease. She says "What?" He again
responds "Nixon's Disease." 

She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?" He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office.

DECLINED FOR THE POST OFFICE

"A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.
The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the
removal of over half of his brain.

The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions  of brain tissue, the operation was planned.

The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's
declining IQ on a nice bright LED display.  The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ...

Suddenly the phone rang.  It was the doctor's wife.  They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.

When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ...  6, 5, 4, ...

He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain.  "Holy
moley!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done?  Speak to me. Say anything!"  The man looked at him and said, "I, George W.
Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States..."
 
 

I'M GONNA PUT THIS ON MY FRIDGE

May Come in Handy Sometime
Here is a list of 11 things that many high school and college graduates did not learn in school.  In his book, Bill Gates talks about how feel-good, politically-correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up
for failure in the real world.

RULE 1
Life is not fair; get used to it.

RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem.  The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE  you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, 
until you earn both.

RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.  He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.  Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.

RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, 
cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are.  So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing" the closet.

RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing 
grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
 Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds.  Chances are you'll end up working for one
 

HEADS OR TAILS

.
A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous. But when she received the test, she was relieved to find out that it was a True or False exam.  Immediately, she reached into her purse and pulled out a coin. Each time she flipped the coin she would write down an  answer. 

"What are you doing?" the professor asked her. 
"I'm figuring out the answers," the blonde replied. To this, the professor just rolled his eyes and looked away.

When she was done, the professor announced that there were five minutes left to go.  "Oh my god!" she said in 
an excited voice, and started to flip the coin as fast as possible.

"My goodness," the professor said, giving her strange look.  "What on Earth are you doing now?"

"What do you think?" the blonde replied.  "I'm checking my answers!"
 

HumorSearch.com is the Web's only humor search engine and leading online humor community.  Use the search feature below to search the web for humorous content. While you are there, check out some of the other many attractions HumorSearch.com has to offer.

OUR BOOK OF JOKES

My husband and I  co-edited a book on internet humor:
http://hometown.aol.com/
lobotomygl/
myhomepage/index.html 

 Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma,
 South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi and Kentucky :  Nice Tits
 

REDNECK STORY

So the redneck comes home from work and finds his girlfriend packing her bags.

"Where you goin' honey?" he asks her.
She says, "I'm leaving you Alvin."
"But why?"
The girlfriend replies, "Because you're nothing but a perverted pedophile."

"Hey," the redneck says, "those are pretty big words for a ten-year-old."
 
 

OLD

Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not "old." 

Red explained:

 "Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

 "Old" is when the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."

 "Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you  up to the light.

 "Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens  the garage door nearest your car.

 "Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

 "Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "honey, I can't do both.

BIRDS AND THE BEES

Brody came home from school one day and asked his mom, "Mom,
what is sex?"

His mom was flustered, but she knew this day would come, and
decided to be honest.  She spent the next hour explaining to
her son about the birds and the bees, and where babies came
from.

When she was done her son smiled, pulled a questionnaire out
of his pocket and pointed to the word sex:  "That's cool, but
how am I supposed to get it all in this little box next to the
F and the M?"
 

A Helping Hand From Above

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is 
very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over 
and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, 
"And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" 
 

NOW THAT'S CLEAVAGE

A busty young thing was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut  dress.  As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too low cut.
"Do you have hair on your chest?"
"No -- certainly NOT!!!"
"Then it's too low cut."
 

ST.PETER KNOWS

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third
in line at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.

The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug
dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that
St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process.
Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his
or her yearly salary.

The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million
last year."

The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."  He turns to the woman in 
line and asks her about her life.

She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney."  The angel thinks
for a moment and then lets her in, too.

He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"

The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."

CLINTON AGAIN

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