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SCHWARTZDUMKOPF

A certain well-known retired U.S. Army General of Christian ancestry lost
his memory one day and believed he was actually Jewish.  Simultaneously,
he went a bit insane, and was institutionalized.

He argued that he must be served only Kosher food.  Finaly, unable to
avoid the extra work and expense, the director of the institution
acquiesced.

A few days later, on Shabbat, the director was strolling through the
grounds, when he came upon the same patient sitting in a chair and smoking
a cigar.

"Wait a minute, Schwartzkopf," he said.  "I thought you were so religious
that we had to bring in special food for you.  And now, here you are
smoking a cigar on Shabbat!?"

"But Doctor," Schwartzkopf replied.  "Did you forget?  I'm meshugah!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:  "Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb, Thomas.  Now turn off that light and get to bed!"        -- Every mother can be a Jewish mother

Honey please just calm down , let me explain ....

"Every one of the jumps was successful," said the Israeli.  "I'm here!"

After the flood, Noah gets off the ark with all of the animals and tells
them to "Be fruitful and multiply!"

And so all the animals did.

Sometime later, Noah was walking through the forests and the fields and
saw that all the animals had built families.  All around he could hear the
sounds of little bears, little squirrels, little birds, and so on.  All
this pleased Noah very much, and he hummed a little as he walked, until he
happened on a particular river bank.  There were two snakes, with no
visible family.  Noah was astonished, and inquired how this could have
happened.  "Why haven't you multiplied?"

"It's like this," the snakes replied.  "We need a shelter.  If you would
go in to the woods and bring us a couple of logs..."

So Noah treks into the forest, cuts down a couple of trees and drags them
back down to the river bank, and then proceeds on his way.

After a while, Noah is making another tour of the land, and this time he
finds that the snakes have now built a family, and there are little snakes
all over the river bank.  "That's great!!" he exclaims.  "But can you tell
me why you needed the trees?  I mean, after all, none of the other animals
had any sort of house and they were all able to have kids.  What's the
deal?"

"Well, you see, Noah, it's like this." responded the snakes.  "We're
adders.  We need logs to multiply."
Source:  WhattadealJewish 

"I caught a very aristocratic moth.  It will eat holes only in full-dress suits."
        -- Rothschild's tailor

Avrohom Mendel Nuchem was in a cab once and made some mild comment
concerning the size of the fare.

"So what?" said the driver offhandedly.  "You can afford it."

"I know," said Avrohom, trying to evade the connotation of being cheap,
"but my wife will make me feel guilty about it.  You know what Jewish
wives are like."

There was a short silence, and then from between clenched teeth, the taxi
driver said, "Italian wives, too."
Source:  Counter Attack

Mr. Moskowitz was giving his oldest son, the pride and joy of his life,
the bar mitzvah, or confirmation, which all Jewish boys receive when they
attain their thirteenth year.  The bar mitzvahs given by the more affluent
Jews, it seems, have assumed many of the characteristics of parties given
by the wilder Roman emperors, but even on such a scale, the Moskowitz bar
mitzvah was noteworthy.

The guests were stunned by the magnificence and utter lavishness of
everything, from the fountain that yielded champagne to the three large
bands that played three different selections simultaneously.

But most magnificent of all was a gigantic bust of the young bar mitzvah
boy, true in every detail and molded out of gefilte fish.  It was so
beautiful the guests hesitated to attack it with knife and fork, as they
were obviously intended to do.

Mr. Finkelstein was particularly impressed.  Turning to Moskowitz (who was
observing the proceedings with a smug smile that hid an aching wallet),
Finkelstein said, "You are sparing no expense, I see, Moskowitz.  It
happens that I am a connoisseur of bar mitzvah art, and I can see at a
glance that you have commissioned the great Louis Shmelewitz to carve that
bust of your boy."

"That the bust is a great work of art, I realize," said Moskowitz, "but
that you are a great connoisseur of bar mitzvah art, I deny.  If you were
really a connoisseur you would know that Shmelewitz couldn't possibly have
carved that bust.  Shmelewitz, as every child should know, works only in
chopped liver."

Source:  Ohad the Opulent

Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his 
nephew's Bar Mitzvah.  But he didn't want to miss The Rabbi's sermon.  So 
he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the congregation and tape the
sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.

Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire 
"Shabbos goys" to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going 
to shul.  Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul 
taping the Rabbi.

The Rabbi got wise to this.  The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos
goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecoded sermon machines.

Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial 
insermonation."
Source:  Ishy58TT

Mrs. Moskowitz had married off four of his children but the fifth was a 
problem.  Young Jake had no visible virtues that would make him a desirable
husband.  He had neither good looks, charm, intelligence, manners, nor 
conversation.  Yet it was unthinkable that he remain single.  Moskowitz 
stooped to the last resort and called in a marriage broker.
The marriage broker listened and said, "I have just the girl for the young 
man -- Zara Phillips."
"Who?"
"Zara Phillips.  The grand- daughter of Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain."
"A shikseh?!"
The marriage broker sighed.  "Why the prejudice?  In these enlightened
times, what's wrong with a Gentile girl?  She comes from a good family, 
with very little anti-Semitism.  They fought Hitler, if you'll remember. 
They have the very best social connections.  They're wealthy and the 
princess is a real beauty.  See.  I'll write the names down together."

Suiting action to words, he painstakingly wrote Jacob Moskowitz in his 
little book and right below it, Zara Phillips

Moskowitz had to admit the names went well together, but he said, "You 
don't understand.  I have to consider my old aunt.  She is extremely pious.
 If she found out Jake was marrying a shikseh, she'd go out of her mind."

The marriage broker put away his little book.  "Let me talk to her."

An appointment was arranged, and for hours, quite literally for hours, the 
marriage broker pleaded, stormed, raged, cajoled, and slowly broke down the old lady.

Her faded eyes awash with tears and her little chin trembling, the aunt 
said at last, "Well, maybe you're right and I shouldn't be so 
old-fashioned.  If, as you say, the girl is a fine girl, and if she will 
make Jake happy, and if the children will be brought up Jewish, all right.
For myself, I can always move out of town and change my name so no one will know my shame.  Go ahead; I will make no objection."

The marriage broker nodded gleefully and staggered out of the room.  The 
session had worn him out and left him but a shell of his normal self. 
Emerging into the street, he opened his little book to the page on which
both names had been written.  He put a firm checkmark after the name Jacob 
Moskowitz and said, with a huge and tremulous sigh of relief, "Half done!"
Source:  Royal T.

THE JEWISH COUNTRY CLUB

Danny Thomas, that excellent comedian of Lebanese extraction and the proud 
possessor of a majestic hooked nose, told his audience once of having been 
honorary member at a country club reserved for Jews only.  It was because 
of his own Christianity that he could not become a real member, and he 
remained a guest only.

He argued with the membershi pcommittee, pointing out that by restricting
membershi on religious grounds they were every bit as bigoted as were those
country clubs who would not admit Jews.  To set an example they ought to 
nonrestrict membership.

Finally, and reluctantly, the members of the country club agreed, and such 
artificial restrictions as race and religion were lifted.  Rejoicing, Danny Thomas rushed down to be the first Gentile to join as a member under the new dispensations -- and was refused!
Astounded, he said, "But why?"
And he was told.  "Because we're going to a lot of trouble to let in Gentiles, and if we're going to let in Gentiles, we want them at least to look like Gentiles!"
Source:  TruthBeTold

My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses
in Miami, a furniture store.  I convinced him that he needed to take a
trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself, and because he was
still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get
lucky.
As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a
beautiful young lady... she only spoke Italian and he only spoke English,
so neither understood a word the other spoke.

He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi.

She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.

Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark
and she nodded, so they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They went to
several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.

It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a
picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he's never be
able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

After taking off her clothes for an examination, Mrs. Greenberg sat on the
table.

"Lady," said the doctor, "I have to tell you that you are by far the
dirtiest, filthiest, most unclean woman I have ever examined in my life!"

"How d'ya like that!" said Mrs. Greenberg.  "The doctor I went to
yesterday said the same thing!"

"Then why did you come here?"

"I wanted to get a  second opinion!" answered Mrs. Greenberg.
Source:  Larry Wilde

Finkelstein had made a huge killing at the races and Moskowitz, quite
understandably, was envious.
"How did you do it, Finkelstein?" he demanded.
"Easy," said Finkelstein.  "It was a dream."
"A dream?"
"Yes.  I figured out a three-horse parlay, but I wasn't sure about the
third horse.  Then the night before, I dreamed an angel was standing over the head of my bed and kept saying, 'Blessings on you, Finkelstein.  Seven times seven blessings on you.'  When I woke up, I realized that seven times seven is forty-eight and that horse number forty-eight was Heavenly
Dream.  I made Heavenly Dream the third horse in my parlay and I just cleaned up;  I simply cleaned up."

Moskowitz said, "But, Finkelstein, seven times seven is forty-nine."

And Finkelstein said, "So YOU be the mathematician."
Source:  Off-Track Betty

She said "Well, you're both."

Harry replied, "That's no good.  I need to know.  Am I Rastafari or
Jewish?"

"Why is it so important than you know, Harry?" asked his mom.

"Because," Harry continued, "A kid in school offered me his bike today."

"What on earth does a kid in school offering you his bike have to do with 
being Rastafari or Jewish?"

"Well," said Harry, "I didn't know whether to take it from him outright or 
knock ten pounds off the price!"

Source:  Harry Oakes on Sky News

"I'm working.  I'm working," said Mr. Levy.  "The suit is hanging right 
there.  It's almost finished."
"Almost finished?  But why does it take you so long, Mr. Levy?  The good 
Lord make the whole world in only six days."

Mr. Levy put down his needle, stood up, and said, "Come here, mister.  I 
want you should feel the material on this suit I am making for you.  Okay?
Now I want you should come to the window and take a look at this phooey world."
Source:  TruthBeTold

"Did you hear about Abe Bernstein?  He got involved in a bad business deal and lost all of his money.  He came to me for a loan, but I turned him down.  I told him if he can't manage his own money, why should he have 
mine?" said Oscar.

"Ah, yes," replied Melvin.  "Abe Bernstein's son was to marry my daughter, but I called the wedding off.  When Abe came to see me I told him that with no family business to run, how could his son support a wife?"

"Listen," interjected Morris, "Abe Bernstein came to see me too, and I put him back on his feet." Melvin and Oscar looked at him in amazement.  "How did you do that?" they gasped.
"I repossessed his car."
Source:  Terrill Mark

The next morning at 6am Sadie rose and went out to work- at 4am she came back- dirty, dishevelled, a complete wreck.
Sidney " Well Sadie How did you make out?"
Sadie: " I made $24 10cents."
Sidney :"Tell me Sadie Who gave you 10 cents?"
Sadie " Everyone gave me 10 cents"
Source: Bella Bath

Benny Kaufman had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd
eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before.  So they decided
to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he
said.  But much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the
tiniest steak they'd ever seen.

"See here, my good man," Benny barked.  "I was in this restaurant
yesterday and you served me a big juicy steak, and now today, when I've
organized a party, you serve such a small one."

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter.  "But yesterday you were sitting by the
window."
Source:  Jack Kraft

Sam and Gilda Shapiro are having marriage problems.  After counseling with
their rabbi they decide to just end their union.  After a most brief
attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you
are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been back together, we haven't
been able to agree on one thing."

The wife interjects, "Seven weeks, your honor!"

Source:  Marsha in Texas

 GET PAID TO DATE
So now I can be paid to go out on a date. This I have to see to believe. Will it be with a nice Jewish boy? They say it is with a high flyer. Stephen Spielberg or Bill Gates? Come and get me.

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